Top geneticists with an undisclosed research institute announced today under the condition of anonymity that they believe they have isolated a previously unknown gene that is responsible for skateboarding. It sounds far-fetched, but the researchers are adamant that they have found substantial evidence to support the theory that skateboarding is actually a disease.
Dubbed the olliegene by the researchers, this newly-discovered gene could hold answers that both science and skateboarding have been seeking for a long time.
Skateboarding As A Disease?
Skateboarders across the world have long claimed that skateboarding is not a sport, hobby or an addiction, but more like a disease. Normal people usually ignored these claims, because skateboarders are criminals, vandals, graffiti artists, and general mayhem creators. However, there has been a question lingering in the back of some scientific minds for decades.
“People need to understand that I have no control over this,” the chronic skateboarder known as H-DoGG said during an interview between kickflips. “Sometimes I really want to stop, but I can’t. I see a ditch or a wall and I have to pull over and skate it, and end up breaking my leg and being laid up for three months. I feel like it’s a curse, man. It’s like a disease.”
The cries from the skateboarding community about their affliction have been largely ignored or brushed off. Some have claimed it’s nothing more than facetiousness. Others say it’s a cry for attention from a forgotten and rejected youth. Drug-induced rambling was mentioned in several newspapers. The skateboarding community had few supporters for their cause.
Until science got involved.
Geneticists conducted a study to determine if the skateboarding community was telling the truth or not. Approximately involving 1,975 skateboarders across the United States and Canada volunteered to be a part of the preliminary research group for this study.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes when we examined the gene,” genetic engineer Dr. Toby Falcon exclaimed. “There it was, right there In front of our eyes the entire time! Whoa.”
Falcon claims what they have discovered is a single gene that has never been discovered before that drives a man (or in rare cases, a woman) to skate. The research really got to the heart of the issue.
The geneticists were able to isolate a gene that appears to have an effect on a person’s ability, desire and drive to skateboard. They were able locate the molecular address of the gene using a variety of techniques, including polymerase chain reaction (PCR) and recombinant DNA technology.
Once the DNA strand was synthesized and processed on a recombinant plasmid and divided and placed into individual cells for further observation and manipulation, the genetic engineers working on the project were stunned. After a thorough investigation of the findings, it was theorized that the isolated gene appears to be a major contributor to the development of skateboarding dependency in adolescents and adults.
Scientists have been unable to isolate a gene related to addiction. Scientists have conceded that there is not one single addiction gene, and that multiple genes and environmental factors play a role in someone’s predisposition to addition.
That means skateboarders were right all along. It’s a disease.
Do I Have The Gene?
If you are a real skateboarder, you have the gene and are afflicted with the disease. There is an important exception to note, however.
Falcon stresses that the research indicates that people who push with their front foot, known as Mongo pushing or dickfooting, don’t have the gene at all. The study shows that what is happening is faux skateboarders are just trying really hard to do something they are not capable of doing. This is referred to as “posing” or “mimicking.”
Real skateboarders who actually have the gene have been documented as telling people who push Mongo to quit doing that, but the geneless dickfooters don’t know what they’re doing wrong to begin with, so they don’t understand.
“They are just acting,” Falcon said. “Some of the Mongo footers have watched real skateboarders enough and trained themselves how to do some tricks and what not, but their foot placement? It’s all wrong. That’s a clear indicator that person doesn’t carry the gene.”
The Future of Skateboarding
Now that the researchers have isolated the olliegene, they believe they can harness the power it holds and create a generation of the best skateboarders the world has ever seen. Genetic engineers were able to introduce the olliegene into an altered DNA strand, and then into an embryo.
“We can alter DNA sequences and make sure that the embryos receive the olliegene,” Falcon explained. “It’s pretty gnarly. But a lot of people want us to stop the experiment now, because skateboarding is still a crime in most jurisdictions.”
Once the information is officially released to the public, Falcon thinks that he can get some support from the public, and likewise, funding to grow the embryos. “If we can get funding, we can find surrogates and grow those embryos into fetuses. Then the surrogates can pop-shove out some little nose grinders for us to do research on,” Falcon says hopefully.
He thinks he can convince people to embrace skateboarders by genetically engineering one that doesn’t have all the other bad stuff that most skateboarders come with.
“These guys will be able to hold jobs, they won’t do drugs, they won’t vandalize things, and they won’t be generally gross. You won’t find them under bridges and in alleys doing shady, degenerate, hood rat stuff. They will treat you with respect and not steal from you. You’ll be glad to have this type of skateboarder in your home, unlike the skateboarders today,” says Falcon. “It will be so dope.”